


Harry Potter and the One to Rule Them All

by SaxyBraxy



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis, Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-06-23 21:30:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19709833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaxyBraxy/pseuds/SaxyBraxy
Summary: Years after the defeat of Voldimort a new group of kids arrives at Hog Warts school of wizards and witchcraft. They enjoy they're time until a new mysterious evil threatens to destroy both the wizerding and muggle worlds, so now they have to team up and stop the evil before it destroys both the wizerding and muggle world.





	1. The Terrible Trio

It was a shadowy dark night with the rain coming down in pours absolutely drenching the streets of Diagonally. Walking down the street with big footsteps was a huge man with a large cirly beard that was brown and maybe a little bit gray, he was wearing a big cloak that obscured his figure allowing him to tromp down the way with ease and stealth. Turning a corner he heads into a spooky corner of the area, an alley full of tall dark shops and evil looking items like glowing books and blood and maybe even a corpse here and there. He walks and walks pushing any passerby out of the way with his massive gerth, and they cant do anything to stop him because hes so huge ad chunky and they're scared even though they live in the scary place on the ally that was beside of Diagonally. Anyway arriving to the end of the ally he whips out a long umbrella and taps on a brick wall. Instantly the bricks go spinning and whirling away out of sight revealing the entrance to a reclusive shop that doesnt have any windows and is painted a solid black, like really dark like the color of the night color dark. Anyway he goes inside.

Now inside the man takes off his rain-soaked cloak and hangs it on the cloak rack (like a coat rack but for cloacks you know what Im saying) and then he takes a seat at the big table in the middle of the room. It is dimly lit but even then he can see the other two people sitting at the table. One is a really big red dragon with lots of horns and scales wearing a bunch of gold and jewels like a fashion model after a binge at the shopping mall, talk about ostentashieus. The other is a woman with large boobies hulking around a pair of duel assault rifles, they are primed and ready to fire even while she is sitting at the table, around her neck is a necklace made of bullets, nevermind this is the real ostentashieous.

"Not late am I" asked the big man as he sits down at the table grabbing a piece of fried chicken and scarfing it down like an animal, I mean a really fury and hairy animal but not like the dragon because hes not fury hes scale.

"Fashionalably," the woman says smoking a cigarrette, probably gettting lung cancer in the process, the smoke is so noxious that even the dragon is skowling and I mean he breaths fire, thats how you know its bad. "Hagrid did you get what we're looking for"?

Without saying a word the giant plops a brief case on the table and pops it open, inside the velvet lined case is a long piece of wood, looking like a big stick but a little more intricately carved than that, a big long fancy stick to be more accuracy.

"Excellent," the dragon says grinning a wide narly dragony grin. "At long last it is ours, the Elder Wand, now hole again, with it we can finally complete our ambtious ambitions." The dragon grabs some chicken and starts eating it, but not like a chiken wing like Hagrid no he's going an extra mile, he just ate an entire fucking chicken, what a guy.

"The Elder Wand, the last remant of the great wizerd Dumbledoor" the woman mumbled smirking wide like the dragon but in a human way because shes not a dragon. "Hagrid well done, you've proofed yourself worthy of being on our team."

"I hope so, this thing was a cunt to find an a bigger cunt to repair, thankfully us wizerds have a few ways of getting things done, not like you muggles would know." Hagrid smirking about to eat another wing but its shot out of his hands by the big tiddy woman with her rifles, wow what a bitch cant a man eat chicken in piece.

"Ill have you know that Muggles dont need magic to get shit done, we use our brains and our muscles to achieve our goals and build things sorsiry could never even dream of." The woman blows smoke from her gun as she sits back down, it stinks.

"Both of you fuckers shut up," said the dragon "now is not the time to fight, we have things to do, now that the Elder wand is in our possession." Grimicing the dragon clenches a fist, "And we have to act quickly before that cuck Gandalf finds us, he and his friend The Hobbit, I know they want to put an end to our plans but we wont let them, for we are....."

They all grinned and spoke.

"THE TERRIBLE TRIO"

And so they lauged and eated chicken as thunder cracked evilly in the background like the howls of a sad god knowing what chaos was about to begin.


	2. Journey to Another Year

The train station was busling with people of all shapes and sizes, they were all British other than a few emigrants here and there looking real shifty with trench coats and weird hand dresses and stuff. In particular there was one group of people that stood out from the rest. They looked like a relatively normal family, I mean like a traditional one, not that there's anything wrong with having two dads or whatever (for reference I basically have two dads but Jason is my dad's boyfriend so it doesn't really count?) but traditon states that family's should be made of a man and a woman and that's what this family was. With the mom and dad there was a single child, he wore some really dark black clothing that looked like it was riped from a edgy anime, his coat was torn in several places and he wore nerd glasses that he could push up like anime guys do when they say someting smart and cool. Anyway his hair was really long like a punk rockers hair and he had a scar on his upper forehead in the shape of a upside down cross (itll be explaned later).

"Alright Henry we've gone over this a couple times" the hot milf mommy said to her brooding son "just run at the wall and youll be golden, you know gold like the sun, that thing you should really get more of, darling your so pale you look like a ghost."

"Yeah I wish was a ghost and by that I mean I want to fucking die." Henry Porter skowled pushing up his glasses but not cool like an anime guy because he wasnt that cool. "God you make me wanna kill myself mom, why cant you understand my life style."

"Because your'e a fucking vampire and not even the sexy kind like Twilight," His dad piped up. "Come on son dont make a seen. Just run to the wall before your train leaves you behind."

"Fucking whatever." With rolling his eyes Henry locks his eyes on a seeming inoccuous piller and begins to sprint toward it, when it looks like he is about to crash right into it like a cuck he fazes through it and is suddenly found himself in a entirely new platform, now the emigrants were replaced by people wearing very weird and maybe even a little dumb clothes like cloaks and witch hats. Above a sign hung that said "platform 9 and three fours" which Henry was all too familair with, he hated it.

Suddenly from behind was his dad thrusting into him roughly. "Oof watch out there kiddo" he said laughing expecting Henry to laugh but he didnt because he's mopey and doesnt think he can feel happiness. "Ouch cold shoulder sport, anyway heres your luggage. You can still carry it right haha" The dad handed Henry his suit cases as his mom came through the wall with her hips wiggling.

"Oh Henry, to think youre already on your fifth year of Hog Worts. My little boy is almost a fully grown wizerd!" She said nearly tearing up like women do sometimes, its okay I know what its like to get emotional sometimes I stub my toe and that makes me cry some, yeah thats right Im not afraid to admit it I'm not a pussy.

"Mom shut the hell up, youre gonna embarass me........ bye idiots see you later unless I die in which case Ill see you in hell" Henry turning away from his parents flips them a double bird and walks toward the train.

"I really regret not capitolizing on that deal at the abortion clinic" Henry's dad said. "Oh well at least he's having fun, hey look I can see one of his friends coming."

And it was true, bumrushing Henry and knocking him to ground was a big jock, his red hair flowing angleically and his pecks bouncing. "Heeeeey shrimp, good to see you again," said the buff guy as he picked Henry up and slapped him on the back, it was hard enough to make him spit blood, sounds like my uncle Tito.

"God why wont you leave me alone Donald," Henry said moping like the emo bitch he was, he pushed up his glasses but it was kind of just sad to look at not cool like the anime guy.

"Because I love ya." He said sniggering "yeah I love fuckin with ya" and then Don performed a piledriver on Henry to show that he was still dominant, but it was all in good fun and it didnt hurt that bad.

"Yes it did." Henry tempted to pull out his glock but he refrained because he would probably be arrested. "Look dont touch me mother fucker. Lets just get on the train before we get lost and then I have to go home to my parents and the less time I have to spend with them the less I want to stab myself in the throat ok, fuck me why is my life so hard."

"Its not, you just choose to believe that it is" Donald grabs Henry by the dick and leaps into the air crashing into the train and taking a seat, just in time to as the train is leaving, all the parents and weird dressed peoples wave goodbye as it rolls away spitting smoke, not regular smoke though magic smoke, thats how you know its a magic train. 

"So whatd you do this summer Henry old pal," Don asked flexing his biceps.

"Cut" Henry says blunty as he retreives his wand, its like a normal wand in that it looks like a fancy stick but his is different, it has a built in knive which Henry uses to slash his wrists spilling blood all over the place. "Its the most fun thing I can think of, too bad my parents are always taking me to the suicide hotline where I dont have any knifes."

"Damn sucks bro, anyway I got fifteen blowjobs last week, new record lmao" (ps he audibly spelled out the "lmao" he didnt say what it stands for which is "lauging my ass off" just thought Id clear that up). "Oh hey speaking of coming look whos coming right now." Donald pointed a finger at the hall, reluctantly Henry takes a look and sees a ebony girl walking toward them with a nice smile, she's kinda cute but also kinda ugly, she has big teeth and her nails are all painted lime green aka the worst fucking color in the universe. Anyway plopping her ass down on the seat she begins to speak.

"Hey boys, long time no see," she said admiring her nasty ass finger nails, she was also wearing flip flips which exposed her nasty ass nails somemore.

"Hey Heroine" Don said (yes that's actually her name, dont make any jokes its just a name) "looking sexy as usual."

"Don whenever you talk I want to evicerate my eardrums" says Henry as he cuts some more, "please shut up, also hi Hero, don't talk to me."

"Still the same eh Henry," Hero says giggling like a school girl because that's what she was, although I dont think flip flips are allowed at school, hmm. "Ready for another year at Hog Worts?"

"Sure am, can't wait for the pussy Im gonna get, maybe I'll fuck some Huffle Puff bitches this year, whatever I feel like," Donald says liking his lips.

"Well I wont be one of those, last I heard you have clamiddia and I dont want any of that" Hero says, ok she says she doesnt want a disease and yet she wears that fucking nail polish, yeah right gimme a break.

"Oh, Im sure the year will just be the most exciting thing......" Henry looks out the window and stares at the horizon, for a moment he feels an emotion almost like joy but muddy like a fat mud pile, so its not really that much.

With that the group keeps talking as the train chugs along to another year at lovely Hog Warts, maybe nothing bad will happen this year......


	3. Welcome to Hog Warts

Screeching to a halt as it came screeching to a halt was the grand train that housed all of the soon to be students of Hog Warts school of Wizerding and witches. It bellowed smoke as it came screeching to a halt in the Hog Warts station where teachers and other assistants were there waiting to escort the students to the school, same as any year. Spilling out of the train are the students of the four houses, no not like actual houses I mean the divisions of the school, there's Griffendor Ravenclaw Hufflepuff, and finally the evil house Slitherhen, noone likes Slitherhen.

Among the crowd huddled in a trio are the group of three Henry, Donald and Hero. Theyre carrying their trunks (British word, translated into English it means suitcase) and Donald is being an ass like usual, doing pelvic thrusts and flexing his big muscles at Ravenclaw nerds who try to hide their blushes behind the books they carry but its no use, everyone can hear them moaning. The fact that Donald gets so much pussy and doesnt left any to share grates on Henry who starts slashing his arms like hes cutting bread. Hero doesn't give a fuck, shes too busy looking at her gangly ass toes, disgusting. Anyway the students are getting onto carriages now (ancient vehicle that uses horses, I know what is this ancient Rome?) and riding off, in the distance they can see the Hog Warts castle, standing big and tall over the land it's a serious mystery as to how any muggle choppers didnt see that shit already, like damn ostentashious much? Anyway Henry and Donald and Heroine are all getting onto a carriage.

"Ah the familiar smell of horse dookie, never gets old," Donald says snorting it all in, wow maybe he really does like it. Hero gags and pinches her nose and Henry just sort of sits there and suffers like he usually does because hes an emo fucklet.

"Well poop does get old you know, when that happens we wizerds use magic to magic it away to the poop dimension," Hero explains unsheathing her titanic black wand. Its really huge, almost commically so, seems like it has a second purpose if you know what I mean. "What, are you saying that you use toilets Don? Get real those are just for decoration"

"That's fucking disgusting." Donald says even though he enjoys the smell of shit, you have no room to say whats disgusting you dickwad. "Anyway Henry what do you think about this matter, does shit get old or does it stay the same?"

"Why the hell are you talking about this," Henry mutters before slashing his wrist open like a jelly donut. "I dont care about shit, just as long as I dont step in it. God damn I hate our fucking neighbors, that stupid little mutt they have running around, who in their right mind thought creating damn chiwawas was a good idea, fucking little gremlings they deserve to be skinned alive and fed to cocodiles, Jesus Christ this world sucks."

"Now that's a little extreme dont you think Henry old pal" Donald slapping Henry's back, what was that cracking sound, did he break another rib. "Well I dont like dogs that much but I wouldnt say we need to kill them-"

"Henry what the fuck," Hero butts in, which is probably easy cuz her butt is thick, "I love dogs, I really love my pitt bull, there not as violent as the liberal media says they are, ok dont talk shit about dogs you rejected punk rocker."

"This is why I cut." Henry sobbing contemplates jumping off the carriage and letting the horses crush his skull, he decides against it because he doesnt want to inconveniance the janitors, "God are we there yet, why doesnt this school use fucking cars this is the 21st century."

"Well theres a car," Hero points out, and sure enough riding along side the carriages was a slick bugatti, its paint job with flames and dragons. Inside is a large man with an even large beard, hes wearing shades and he would look badass if it werent for that dumbass umbrella in that back, who uses a pink umbrella, girls thats who, not badass men with bugattis.

"Fuck I wish that were me." Henry cries into his shoulder as Hagrid drives ahead, the carriages are crossing the big bridge now, the one where Harry Potter boy of legend snapped the Elder Wand in half and chucked it over the edge, its quite important you see. "The edge of this bridge looks really appealing right now."

"Sorry pal, I wont let you do it, after all you've got magic to learn." Smirking Donald wraps around Henry's shoulder and Hero giggles because they both looked retarded. Henry aimed his wandknife at his throat and prepared to stab but Don snatched it and held just out of reach, good luck killing yourself now dumbass.

"Fuck my life." Henry mopes, and as he mopes the carriages come to a stop in front of the school.

It's time for another wonderful year at Hog Warts.


	4. Meeting in the Grand Hall

"Students students please maintain an orderly line please." Standing at the door to school is Professer Mogonigol, the head witch of the Griffendoor house, she is an old crotchety cooch with a big green hat, like its really pointy you could stab your eye out with it. The students of all years come tromping up and past her, as they do they gag on her perfume, smells like pine scent, appaling. Donald seems to like it though, but its been established both that his nose doesnt work and that he has three brain cells collectively. Anyway walking into the castle its an amazing sight, the architecture is all cool and British with a hint of fantasy, especially in the pillars, damn those things are sexy. There are portraits all over the walls that depict weird things, oh shit are those exposed titties, whoops looks like someone hanged the wrong picture. But I guess its technically ok I mean art is art, they let children see those Greek statues with their little wangers hanging out, so I guess its ok, I guess.

"Damn nice C cups girl," Donald says to the woman in the painting and much to his surprise he receives a slap to the face, not from the painting even though in traditional Hog Warts fashion it is alive, but from Mogonal and her pencil hat. 

"Donald I am quite tired of your promiscuous language and behavior," she says kinda bitch like, you know how old grandmas be sometimes, "I do hope that you watch yourself this year, I dont want to make Mr. Filch clean more of your cum stains off the wall yes. Oh and if you have sex in my classroom again I will expel you and expel your children too, ok."

"Yeah I get it teach." Donald frowns which brings a smile to Henry's face because he likes seeing Don in pain, it's not a kink thats just how sociopathic he is, what a fuckler. Hero shaking her head at Donald, she thinks that men think with their dicks and not with their minds but that's not entirely true, although in Donalds case that's entirely true.

Anyway they walk through some big doors and end up in a huge room, I mean like really big and tall, damn mustve taken years for them to build. Long banners are hanging from the walls and there are candles floating everywhere because I guess Hog Warts cant afford lightbulbs, cheap ass wizerds. Anyway there are four tables in the hall one for each house, being that they are in Ravenclaw the three musketeers plant their asses at the Ravenclaw table, where Donald continues to shit it up with the cute nerdy girls and their books. Professer Mognonical scowls at him but she cant really do anything about it because that is not her house, I mean like her eschelon not her actual house, if Donald was in her actual house shed probably kill him, and maybe that would be a good thing.

At the end of the room are all the teachers of Hog Worts, of course Monigonical is there, theres also the short guy who teaches Wingardium Leviosah and the thick botanist teacher and also a mysterious guy that none of the students recognize. But at the center of them all is the headmaster of the school, Harry Potter himself. He's dressed in Dumbledoor's old robes because its sentimental or something, I just dont wanna know what old DB is wearing in his grave right now, probably his birth day suit if you know what I mean. Anyway Harrys scar where he was almost killed by Voldmort was still just as present as ever even though none of the students could see it, also he didnt have glasses on because he discovered the miracle of contacts later. Anyway stepping up to the podium he begins to speak.

"Good day Hog Warts students," Harry says with British, gaining the students attention. "It is my pleasure to welcome you back to another great and fun year at the Hog Warts school of wizards and witchery. For the most part things are not too different from last year, all your favorite teachers are still here and accounted for, theres Mognigonical and the other guys too. Also after what happened last year I am sad to inform you that Professor Percival will not be coming back, yeah sorry but after that orgy he threw with Mr. Donald Sneasly I dont really think that hes fit to continue teaching here."

"Man that was a good time, too bad no Hufflepuff bitches showed up for the party," Donald reminisces with a grin, Henry feels like gagging.

"So anyway in his place we have a new teacher of Defense Against Dark Magic, say good morning to Professor Gander!" Harry motions to the old man sitting at the end of the table who stands up and bows, he looks kind of similar to Dumbledoor but he doesnt have glasses and he's also carrying a staff for some reason, guess his crippled ass can't walk too well.

"Is it a good morning, or is it simply a morning to be good on, or is this a morning that is reserved for acts of good, or is morning itself good, there's a riddle for you kids." Professer Gander cuckles (faulty H key, sorry) and sits back down, good thing too he probably wouldve fallen down if he stoof any longer, get a wheelchair grandpa.

"Well thats all I have to say, enjoy the feast kids and I'll see you in class tomorrow!" Harry goes back to his seat and the students all begin to eat, the bankwet is large and expansive, chicken pork beef steak veggies here and there some fruit chocolate coins and maybe even some fried duck. Theres even more including some magic weird foods like chocolate frogs, are they alive, are you eating a live animal when you bite into a chocolate frog, ok now Im gonna call Peeta that's just sick.

"That old guy is kinda weird," Hero says munching on some black cock, I mean chicken, KFC to be specific. "Shame Prof Percival got kicked out, thanks for that Donald,"

"Your welcome" Don slurps down some spaghetti as Hero rolls her eyes.

"Your welcome what, that doesn't make any fucking sense use the right form of your you cuck magnet." Henry is so upset that he shoots some of his wrist blood into Donalds sketti, jokes on his Don will eat it both ways.

"Oh Henry, your so funny," Donald cracks a huge smirk and Henry just wants to die.

But die he cannot, for big things are about to unfold at Hog Warts.

In the corner Hagrid watches before slipping into the shadows, his buggatti parked right outside, little do they know that he isnt its only passenger.


	5. The Terrible Trio Returns

Walking out to his bugatti which is by his little hut by the trees by the Forbidden woods (AKA spider hell) is Hagrid, his sunglasses on tight even though its night so really its only making it harder to see, I guess thats the price you pay to be badass. Popping open the back door the big titted women from before steps out holding her AKs firmly, like a big pair of rods, fishing rods that is, shes actually a lesbian dont get any ideas. Anyway she takes out a ciggy and lights it up spewing smoke into the air, Hagrid has to stop himself from gagging (he only smokes recreationally not for fun).

"Sorry Twin Barrel but this is a no smoking zone," Hagrid says scoffing.

"What do you mean, I don't see a sign anywhere that tells me I cant smoke." Twin Barrel (thats her name btw, it wasnt revealed before but its revealed now) takes a huge puff of her cig and blows the chokey smokey in Hagrid's face, he wants to deck her a new one but hes a gentleman who doesnt like to hurt woman, so instead he got a sneaky idea. Taking out his ugly pink umbrella he magics a no smoking sign in front of his house officially condeming the act of smoking on his property, whoops just like that Twin Barrel's cig is gone and shes looking pissed.

"Theres yer fuckin sign." Hagrid cuckles (H key malfunction) and goes over to the trunk. He popping it open to reveal the dragon from before, his gold and bling jangling as he steps out onto the grass and sighs a breath of relief, that is until he smells the smoke in the air and that just spoils his mood.

"That's better, my bones felt like they were going to crumble into dust in there, and not big chunky dust either, fine grain like sand except even smaller, thats how fine they wouldve been." The dragon flexs his huge dragon muscles and it almost makes Hagrid a little jealous, but he remembers that hes not a dragon and so there for he doesnot have to conform to the same standards as them, hell yeah body positivity.

"What do you mean Smog, that trunk is magically enhanced so that you can fit comfortably in there, what did you want an extra compartment for your dragon dick too" Twin Barrel and Hagrid sniggering.

"Fuck off," Smog says (thats his name btw, hes Smog from The Hobbit, you know the book, it wasnt revealed before but its revealed now). "Well at least we all made it in one piece, and hey the Hog Warts dickholes dont even know we're here, now we can carry out our plans in stealth and espionogg."

Well way to jincks it, as soon as Smog says that a man is walking up to them, he looks really old and like an asshole, on his shoulder is a ginger cat that looks just as nasty, match made in heaven I guess, more like match made in hell I guess. "Oy Hagrid" Mr. Filch says through his deformed and Britsh teeth, "your bugatti is making tracks on the school grounds, I outta report you you checky cunt." Filch suddenly eyes Smog "And why the fook do you have a dragon."

"I'm not a dragon" Smog retorted "I'm a whyvern."

"Oh," Filch turning his attention to the ebony babe next to Hagrid (yeah Twin Barrel is black, Ill have you know that diversity is important ok, ok black girls can have big boobs too you know) and is oogling her with his bloodshot eyes. "Oh fuck, oh shit damn, damn thats a thick pair of knickers you have there" Filch steps over to the pussy forgetting that he has a perfectly good one on his shoulder (ok maybe shes a little used by now). "Please please suck my dick. I havent had any action in years, and me cat bites a lot, please have sex with me o great ebony goddess."

Twin Barrel smiles and that makes Filch smile cause he thinks hes going to be laid but instead he gets laid on the ground, his head hitting the grass with a solid thunk. "Sorry hun, this queen doesn't have room for any kings." And with that being said Twin Barrel unloads into Mr. Filch, the bullets ripping his body apart like tissue paper, blood and gore go flying as his old body is reduced to a pile of meat, its a nasty site. When her clips run dry Twin Barrel lets off the triggers and breathes in the smoke, once again Hagrid cringes at the smell because its gross and could give him lung cancer. Meanwhile Filch's cat looks at her masters gib pile and begins to eat from it, cant pass up a good meal. Smog knows this too as he picks up the cat and stuffs her in his mouth, crunching her into mush before spitting out her hair, Jesus thats hardcore.

"Tasty," Smog says picking the hair from his teeth, "hey save that meat pile for me I might need a snack later."

"You two cunts realize we're going to have to clean this up now, and that everyone probably heard those AKs firing right." Hagrid is fucking pissed.

"Oh dont worry so much Haggy, well mop it up later." Twin Barrel smirks wide as she reloads her AKs.

"For now let's just discuss our plans. Our plans to get the Ring of power."


	6. Defense Against Dark Magic

It's time for the first day of school at Hog Worts school of wizerding, and the students are not looking very happy. Grumbling as they climb out of there beds and get dressed in thier wacky robes, it must be so hot in those and I dont mean hot like an ebony babe I mean hot as in my fucking deoderant melts and I smell like pig shit. Or not me but the students, Im not actually there because that'd be selfinserting which is kinda dumb ngl. Anyway in the Ravenclaw dormitorie Henry Donald, and Hero are getting out of the dormitory to go to their first class of the day. Walking out of the portrait that guards the Ravenclaw dormitery (its an Asian guy, wow Hog Warts real classy) they walk into the hallway where ghosts are flying around. Imagine that, you die and you think your going to heaven or Valhalla or Budda or something but no instead you get to be in a dumbass castle full of snotty British kids and old men, like shit even in death life sucks, but I dont think Henry will ever figure that out because he's still cutting on the way to class and spilling his blood all over the carpet.

"Cmon Henry, put away your knife for two seconds will you," Donald says snatching Henrys knifewand away, take that you emo shitlord. "Youre really making a mess for Mr. Filch to clean up, and we all know hes old so any more work for him might give him a back ache and kill him, man old people suck lmao (he spelled out lmao again, I think Donald is clinically retarded).

"Look I wasnt gonna do it for much longer, I'm playing tic tac toe on my chest and I was almost done," Henry mumbles as he exposes his pasty ass chest, sure enough this guy was really playing tic tac toe by slicing into himself, never mind I take it back Henry is clinically retarded. "Ah fuck it I was losing anyway, but still give me back my wand Donald Dickhead, I need it for Professer Ganders class."

"Prof Gander seems like a weird guy," Hero says as her flop flips flip down the hallway flipping and flopping on the stone, still pretty sure thats against dress code but whatever, what's really offensive are those fucking toes put them away. "But I like weird people, they're usually some of the smartest. Except for you guys, your both pretty dumb."

"Well you know what I always say, a mans brain is only as good as his cock and if I do say so myself mine is pretty snazzy." Donald cuckles (not a H malfunction I just like that word now).

"Youve literally never said that until now" Henry retorts but Donald doesn't pay him any mind because theyre walking into the Defense Against Dark Magic classroom now, its a pretty nifty room with some interesting things all around, skeletons shit in jars, body parts even a brain or two, and hanging over the tables is a giant skeleton of some ancient beast, either that or Donalds landwhale of a mother.

"Good morning class!" says Prof Gander who is at the front of the classroom leaning on his staff, his legs are wobbling and it looks like he might fall on his ass, youd think a wizerd like him would be able to magic himself some better kneecaps but I guess not. "Todays activities will be good fun but before we get started I must introduce a new student." As the others are sitting down a very strange kid is walking up to the front of the class, he's really short and has messy hair and hes also not wearing any shoes which means his big nasty fucking feet are flopping across the room, I would say get some shoes but I dont think therere any shoes that would fit around those gangly toes.

"Hey every one my name is Bil- I mean Biblo, thank you all for having me and Im sure Professoer Gandal- I mean Gander is going to give us a fun lesson today." Literally no one gives a shit so Biblo tromps to his seat and plops down, immediately everyone at the table moves away because they aint touching those nasty ass feet.

"Mkay class, today we are going to be learning a spell called Castrato, its one of my favorites but Im going to need a volunteer to show it off, males only youll see why." Gander took a gander at the room and then his eyes landed on Donald, a wide smirk grew on his face, he was about to do the world a huge favor. "Mr Sneasly please come forward, I'm going to use you as my ginney pig."

"Aight teach." Donald goes up to Prof Gander and is about to be subjected to a very painful lesson little does he know, at the same time the weird Biblo notices something, its Hero's nasty green toes. Instantly he's hard, guess he really has a thing for feet, but he doesnt just want to look at them, no no. Thatd be the sane thing to do, instead while Donald kisses his family juuls goodbye Biblo flops to the floor and slithers underneath the table where Hero and Henry are sitting. Uh oh.

"Hey Henry do you hear something?" Hero asks.

"Unless its Donald shrieking in pain I couldnt care less," Henry says smirking like the maniac he is while Prof Gander annhilates Donald's balls. With that being said Hero shrugs and carries on but little did she know what was going on beneath her. Underneath the table Biblo is sucking on her lime green toes, slurping the feet sweat with glee, he unleashes his tongue for some inbetween action to scoop some toe jam into his mouth, damn hes getting a feast. Hero giggles because she feels something tickly on her feet but doesnt pay it much more mind than that, dumbass, some midget is cleaning your toes like a vaccum cleaner. Thankfully it doesnt last much longer as Prof Gander completes his lesson.

"Marvelous, thank you for that opportunity Donald." Gander says grinning.

"I cant believe it....... my babies... theyre gone....." Tears are coming from Donald's eyes but then he realizes something. "Wait actually... this means I don't have to wear a condom anymore! Every sex is safe sex! Thanks a ton teach! Man I feel so good I might just stick my snake in a Slitherhen's den if you know what I mean."

Donald goes back to his seat with a smile and suddenly Gander isnt feeling so good. Fast as lightning Biblo retreats back to his seat with his tongue out and a stain in his pants, he had a good time, fucking creep.

"Ok thats the end of the lesson, fuck outta here," Gander says as he retreats back into his mancave but as he goes he says "Biblo see me after class, we need to talk."

And so everyone leaves the room, but unbenknownest to them Biblo is not in trouble for sucking some toes, no he has much more important matters to discuss.


	7. The Precious

"Mr. Potter if I do may ask, why are you bringing me down here at such a sordid hour, Im going to wake up with bags under my eyes tomorrow." Headmaster Harry and Prof. Mogninognical walking down the rotating staircase room and toward the dungeons, the deepest and dankest (NO i don't mean memes, fuck internet culture) place in the Hog Warts school, so smelly that it would make Hagrids asscrack cry for mercy.

"Professor trust me, I have good reason for waking you, this is a pressing issue and one that has me quite worrying." Harry says adjusting his contacts. On his forehead his scar is burning ever so slightly which is not a good thing, that means something bad or sinister is approaching, its like Spider sense from Batman but not as useful. 

Monigon is not impressed by that response jamming her wand deep into Harry, he squeals like a submissive piggy but not too loudly because there are ghosts flying around and he doesnt want them to hear, their trying to be discreet. "If your fretting over that starving midget we're keeping in the wine seller then dont worry, Ive made sure hes locked up tight like a virgin asshole."

"Professer that is promisscueus language, watch your mouth."

"Oh you should see me on Saturday nights, my classroom gets wild," Mononinog says winking, and that makes Harry throw up in his mouth a little. He imagines Donald Sneasly or some other fuckboy going to town on her witchy buttocks making her saggy tits flop up and down like the grandma she is, thinking about it now that makes him really throw up dispensing the contents of his stomach over the staircase, it hits a ghost and makes him throw up to, just great now theres regular and etheral vomit on the stairs now. Too bad Mr. Filch isnt here to clean it up anymore.

"Anyway we're here now, going down." Monical and Harry get onto a shifty looking elevator and ride it all the way down to the dungeons, walking forward they see some trolls and giants and other wierd shit locked up in cages, why are they locked up who fucking knows, maybe Dumbledore was into some kinky stuff. Anyway after tromping through the damp dungeon they come to a door thats heavily guarded, there are some magic knight armers standing guard and the door has about thirty chains all over it, magic chains of course. Swishing his thick wand Harry poofs them all away and makes the nights step aside, and without any further adoo they enter the room.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, IM TRYING TO HAVE INTERCOURSE" shreeching a figure in the corner of the room, he is really small and extremely fugly, looking like a dead ethiopian child just walked out of his grave. His teeth are jank and narly and his head is completely bald with like one or two hairs sticking out, even though they look more like pubes than real hair. The little bitch is wearing a brown diaper and I cant tell if thats how it normaly is or just from how much he shits himself. Lastly and most importantly a small golden ring was held in his hand (dont ask what he was doing with it, ok he was fucking it there you go), glowing with sinister golden power, just seeing it made Harry's scar explode with pain, not like actually explode but thats what it felt like, he wants to throw up again but he refrains because he doesn't want to be compared to the shit elf sitting before him.

"Hello again Gollum." Mognigog says, "Weve come to check up on you and make sure youre still being a good boy." Gollum reeeeing jumps toward the prof but shes quick to blast him with a spell that makes him spew blood every where, normally thatd probably kill you but the ugly half-incher is still standing, just stunned a bit. "Yep seems like there are no problems here, what were you so worried about Mr. Potter?"

"FUCK YOU HARRY YOULL NEVER TAKE MY PRECIOUS!!!" Gollum even though hes bloody shuffles forward and attempts to bite Harrys ankels, unfortunately the headmaster summoned a sledgehammer and crushed his damn skull, too bad it still wasnt enough to kill the little fuck, he's nearly invincible for some reason.

"I dont know Prof, I just had a really bad feeling in my scar, thats where I get really bad feelings you know, its like Spidersense from Super Man." Harry clutching his scar winces in pain.

"Who the fuck reads comic books in British," Mogonigon asks.

"Reeeee, Master Harry how could you do me dirty like this???" Gollum screaming with tears and blood. "First cousin Doppy dies and then you give me a ring and I think Im free, but your gay ass throws me in this stupid jail cell, fucking why REEEEEEEEEEEE????"

"That ring is very important, and I know you of all people will keep it safe from the hands of unsafety." Turning Harry walks to the door, "Alright Moggy, let's get out of here, Ill just add a couple more chains to the door just in case."

"Sounds like a good idea to me." Said Mognigonigonical, and with that they're leaving the cell leaving Gollum to cry and wallow in his shit and blood and tears and cum.

"Reeeeeeee...... one day.... Ill show them. I"LL BE THE ONE TO RULE THEM ALL!!"


	8. Pop Quiz

Its another pictureesk day at Hog Worts as all the students are sitting in the grand hall and enjoying some nice breakfast, we've got bacon orange juice pancakes waffels blue waffles sweet tea cupcakes breakfast burgers biscits lemon juice lemonaid limeaid and last but not least, chocolate frogs AKA animal abuse. But Donald Sneasly doesnt like breakfast food because hes a braindead troggy so instead hes munching on a chicken wing. Sniggering he waves it in front of Heroine's face and she cringes, damn bro where is your manners, also thats racist go join the KKK you limb dick fuck. While hes not looking Henry squirts some wrist blood on Donalds chicken but it looks like he doesn't remember what happened last time, Donald eats that shit up because he's a sociopath with a taste for iron, why are they even friends with him it makes no cents.

"Its because we pity him," Heroine pipes up as she takes a bite of a biscut with mayonaze on it, God damn do any of these people have taste buds thats disgusting, you discust me.

"I don't pity him, in fact I hope Donald gets his head crushed by the Hog Warts Express" Henry mumbles. For some reason he decides to see what Donald sees in his wrist blood seasoning and drips some on his pancakes, surprise surprise it tastes like a rusty stop sign, now Henry feels dumb for even considering the idea in the first place. Get fucked.

"Oh guys, I know you love me," Donald reaching over gets Henry in a bear hug, a bear hug around his neck I mean, he's really digging his fingers in deep and Henry is too emo and weak to do anything so he just takes it, must be the submissive type. He's about to espixiate when Heroine beans him on the back of the head with her thick black wand, it makes a sound akin to hitting a empty bucket, yep I knew it there's nothing in there. Grunting Donald puts Henry down and Henry mopes because he was hoping that he would actually die this time, and if he did Donald would go to Azkaban for murder and get pegged in the ass by Big Buba. That wouldve been a sight to see.

Suddenly stepping up to the podium is Headmaster Harry himself eating some ice cream, its a popsickle in specific and it looks to be bluebarry flavored, weird but alright I wont judge a man by his preferred flavor of food. "Ok kids, today we're having a pop quiz to celebrate your first week of being in Hog Warts. Let me here some cheers!" But instead of cheers all Harry gets is jeers because the kids understandably hate pop quizes and also theyre trying to eat breakfast, but Harry is not impressed with this and magics all the food away, bruh what the fuck. In its place is pencils and papers, or should I say parchments (fancy Brit word for paper, oh and they dont have pencils either they have feathers, fucking British people). Smirking Harry creates an hour glass and flips it upside down, judging by the amount of sand inside it they have about thirty minutes before the test ends. "You all have about thirty one minutes before the test ends, so get working!" Damn so close, need to work on my sand counting skills.

"Fuck me in the ass with a rusty pitchfork." Donald cringing squeezes his feather quill and accidentally breaks it, grinning he raises his hand and calls to Harry, "Scuse me teach but my quill broke, guess I cant do the test now huh."

Not impressed Harry warps to Donald and snatches up his wand from his lap, then magicking in a pencil sharpener he jams it in, Donald screams in agony as pieces of his wand are flying everywhere, even to the end of the table where Ravenclaw nerds collect them for later. Before long the wand has a nice sharp point on it and Harry gives it back to Don. "There now you can do the test, now get to work Mr. Sneasly or Ill restrict your orgy privilages again, actually wait you dont have those in the first place, you're all underage and the FBI is already on my ass anyway. Anyway get to work or youll fail and have to go back to your absuive parents."

"NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!" Crying and weeping Donald reluctantly begins to write his name on the test, Henry leans over and laps up the tears and even bottles some up for later, demented dickhead. Heroine puts in her airpods to block out the bullshit as she diligently goes down on her test, shes listening to wrap music but not any of the new shit, Im talking OG gangster rap like Two Pak and Biggy and Snoop, thats where its at fuck Kanye fuck M&M fuck Lil Nas they ain't shit.

"God when this is over Im definitely fucking some Hufflepuff bitches," Donald says gritting his teet. "I need that sweet coochie after this hell, fuck why is life so unfair all I want is some nice hairy vag, come on Jesus whats up with that."

"Welcome to the real world bitch, now do your test before Mogninog hears us and invalidates our tests." Henry and Donald grimacing buckle down and get to work, however they do not get even five questions in before something interrupts them.

Flying in through the Grand hall windows is Smog with Hagrid and Twin Barrel on his back.

"Suprise motherfuckers"


	9. The Terrible Trio Returns Again

Crashing in Smog says "surprise mother fuckers" as glass shards go flying all around, impaling students and teachers alike. Screams echo all through the grand hall as some teachers start firing spells, but its not enough as Smog brushes them off and retaliates with stomping attacks, breaking their bones and blood into a pasty substance, kinda looks like pizza sauce. Before long only Harry and Prof. Gander and Mognoninon are left, and theyre all scared shitless so they cant really do anything. Guffawing Twin Barrel jumps on Smogs dragon head with her big ebony tits bouncing, damn if they werent in mortal danger I think some of the kids mightve even gotten horny.

"Hello Hog Warts, or should I say Pig Shits!" Cocking her AKs Twin Barrel unloads on the crowd, bullets go flying ripping students appart, even the dumb fucking Griffendoors who usually have plot immuninity. Blood goes spraying and the floor goes staining with the blood that sprays from their bulletwounds, all of a sudden the ghosts up above have a lot more friends, maybe more than they couldve asked for. Shit Ive heard of school shootings but this is even worse, thoughts and prayers to all affected by shootings. But wait it gets better, liking his scaly lips Smog breathes fire on the Hufflepuff table turning them all into ash, now Donald Sneasly will never be able to fuck a Hufflepuff bitch and he knows this, screaming and crying as Henry and Hero are trying to drag him away from the carnage.

"Hagrid....... what is the meaning of this!?!?!?" Harry spits, Hagrid solumly stands up and addresses the question.

"Harry old boy, Im sorry it had to come to this but unfortunately I couldn't take it anymore. Ive lived for about eighty years which is pretty old but not a year has gone by without abuse, I'm talking about the fat jokes and people making fun of my beard and saying I smell like shite and how Im clumsy and that I cant get any girlfriends. Well it ends today, once we obtain it I will make sure that no bullying can occur every again in any capacity. That way no one will ever have to suffer like me, sorry Harry but you cant stop us, and if you do I'm afraid we'll be enemies."

"Hagrid you fat fucking oaf, how could you betray me like this?!?!" Harry unsheathing his wand launches a killing spell at Hagrid but Smog swats it away like a fly, damn he must've invested in the latest magicproof scales, available on Amazon by the way.

"Go on Smog, show puny Harry here just how much his MAGIC really means!" Twin Barrel says and Smog is happy to oblige, raising a hand he swats Harry into a wall breaking most of his bones but not all of them. Mognigo realizing she cant win grabs Harry by the wand and warps away, leaving just Gander to face down the Terrible Trio. "Get out of the way cripple ass, or well do to you what we just did to your headmaster."

Cuckling Gander raises his staff, from the tip comes spurting out large plumes of white, splashing all onto Twin Barrels face. She goes tumbling back in pain and Smog too even though hes supposed to be impervious to magic. Suddenly eyes wide he realizes something. "That magic.... Ive felt that sting before... but, no it cant be! Don't tell me youre....!!"

"Oh, but I am," Ripping off his gray robes to reveal another pair gray robes and a big hat, Professor Gander reveals his true self. "I am Gandalf the Gray, wizerd of Middle Earth and the friend to The Hobbit, oh speaking of which come up here Bilbo, or should I say "Biblo.""

From the chaos Biblo the feet licker steps forth and ripping off his dumb wizerd robes he reveals a jacket and booty shorts, the feet are the same size though. "Yes that's right, this whole time you thought I was Biblo the student, but no I am Bilbo Baggins, better known as The Hobbit. Smog you dastardly bastard, I thought we killed you the last time!!"

"You did, but Hagrid here used Revive on me and now I'm good as new, good enough to kick your ass for fucking me up and stealing my gold!" Growling Smog tries to breathe fire but The Hobbit dodge rolls and Gandalf warps away, warping above Smog and bringing his staff down on his head, craaaaack the dragon releases a pained howl as some blood spurts from his skull. The Hobbit prepares to go in for a killing blow but Hagrid steps up opening his umbrella and deflecting the attack. Galdalf warps behind him and prepares to go in deep but Twin Barrel recovers and butts him with her butt (gun but) and he goes tumbling off. 

"Fuck this shit, we've caused enough damage lets just go get that ring," Twin Barrel says grabbing Smog's horns and steering him out of the grand hall, stomping over the dead bodies of all the Hog Warts students except for Henry Donald, and Heroine.

"Wow, we just witnessed a massacre, check that off my bucket list" Donald says whipping out a notebook.

"How come of every one here only we survived, God really does hate me." Crying Henry looks at all the corpses and fanticizes about being one of them, he looks and the Hog Warts ghosts are having a great time with all the newbies, Henry deeply wishes he had been part of the killing but luck was unfortunately on his side.

"We should help Professer Gander out! He might get eaten by that dragon!" Heroine suggests.

"Fuck are you on, he seemed to be doing quite well against it, no all I want to do is go back to the dorms and pretend that nothing ever happened, in fact thats what I'm going to do see you bastards later." Henry tries to walk off but predictably he's stopped by Don who has a mischivious smirk on his face.

"Hold on there Henry, I think Hero is right, we need to act like good contributing members of society and help stop those bad guys. Also brave people get laid, this is a fact." So without any farther argument the three of them abscond from the room and good thing to, it smells like guts in there now.

So much for an easy breakfast.


	10. The Terrific Trio

Flying through the grand staircase room is Smog still carrying Twin Barrel and Hagrid on his back, he is busting through all the staircases because he doenst give a shit, fuck wizerd architecture, and the ghosts hovering about are gawking at them as they head for the dungeon. Twin Barrel takes some pot shots at the ghosts with her AKs just to scare them because they flinch even though they can't be killed, or can they I dont even fucking know. They can pass through walls and shit but this is wizerd land and ghosts could be effected by magic although maybe theyre made of magic. Actually no thats wrong because there's Filch's ghost humping the spirit of his cat so that means everything has a ghost, wait so does that mean every ant that I stepped on as a kid has a ghost? God damn it I'm going to be haunted by a thousand ant ghosts arent I.

Anyway crashing through the wall Smog makes a landing and tromps down into the dungeon, the creatures in the cages are all cowering thinking they are going to be eating but that's not true, the Terrible Trio only wants one thing in that dungeon. Ok I lied, Smog opening up a cage scoops up some goblins and chomps on them sending blood and gore all over the floor, I dont know who cleans the dungeons but knowing Harry he'll probably make Filchs ghost do it, and now they dont even have to pay him, fucking ghost slave labor. Grimacing Hagrid beans Smog with his umbrella.

"Stop fucking around you gluttenous lizerd." He spits, "you'll have plenty of food once we complete our plan, come on that cuck Gandalf and his Hobbit friend are probably on our ass."

"Fine, but I better get some premeiem cock (he wants chicken not like actual dicks, although hes probably eaten one at some point) when we get done." Moving forward the Terrible Trio arrived at the locked door shown previous, the suits of armer guarding it gear up for a coordiated attack but so do Hagrid and Twin Barrel, casting a spell Hagrid turns Twin Barrels twin barrels into rocket launchers. Grinning she fires them at the area in front of them and with a flash of white both the knights and the wall itself are gone, revealing Gollum with the ring on his tiny elf penis.

"REEEEEEEE WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, WHY CANT I GET ANY DAMN PRIVACY IN MY PRISON CELL." Gollum reeeing pops the cock ring off his cock and cocks his dick before unleashing a torrent of molten piss toward the group, its so hot that it looks like it could melt steel but Smog is not phazed. Wearing a naughty smirk he opens his mouth wide and welcomes the golden shower inside. Hagrid and Twin Barrel and Gollum all wide eyes as Smog guzzels the steamy liquid as if it was a nice glass of Dragon Pepsi. Twin nearly throws up as Smog likes his lips and stomps forward, Gollum doesnt really know what to do he wasnt expect that, neither was I honestly what the fuck did I just write. I need to go to bed.

(Continuing where I left off from yesterday) Smog stomping forward with no piss coming from his mouth (I retconned that because it was gross) He grabs Gollum with a dragon-sized hand and holds him and grins evilly. "Hello Smeagle, we've come here because we want that little ring you have wrapped around your penis right now. Mind if I take it off." Rising his other hand Smog prepares to rip Gollum's dick off to get the ring but little does he know that Gollum is a master escape artist. Snapping all his bones he slithers out of Smogs hand and onto the floor where the ring shines bright and just like that, all of his bones are back to normal. Smirking he turns to the Terrible Trio with a smirk.

"Reeeee get fucked idiots, youre not taking this ring from me ever never! Now if you excuse me my freedom has just been granted thanks to your blithering incompetence, goodbye now dickheads!" Reeeing Gollum shuffles out of the cell on all fours but Smog and the others are quick to give chase. Smog breaths fire all down the room incinerating the rest of the prisoners but Gollum is a willy one, using the ring he goes invisible dodging the fire just like that before reappearing. Sniggering he prepares to exit the room but suddenly is another trio. The counterpart to the Terrible Trio, it is the Terrific Trio consisting of Henry, Donald and Heroine. Ok thats another lie these smegma munchers arent terrific but they're techinically not as evil as the Terrible Trio so they get a different name.

"Stop right there fiends!" Donald says with viger. "We're going to stop you and your evil schemes so that we can be nationally recognized heroes and get lots of pussy!"

"Speak for yourself," Henry muttles emoly "Even if Im a hero no girl would want my dick and besides sex is painful with all these cuts."

"Who's fault is that" Heroine chimes in. "Anyway bottom line were going to stop you now, so you may as well give up now!"

Hagrid and Smog and Twin Barrel all look at each other with looks. Before long Twin Barrel responds. "Nah." And just like that she uses her AKs to fill them all full of bullets and they drop to the ground dead. "Dumbasses, ok Gollum where were we."

"I was running from you reeee." Gollum says.

"Yeah that's right, alright keep going."

"K" and before long theyre back on the chase exiting the dungeon and going to shit up the other parts of the castle. A few minutes later Gandalf and The Hobbit wander into the dungeon, grimacing they see the corpses of Herny Donald and Heroine and cringe.

"Dear me Gandalf we're too late," Bilbo Hobbit says. 

"Maybe to catch Gollum but these kids are in luck, their ghosts havent left their bodies yet." Kneeling on his knees Gandalf raises his hard staff and smacks each of the students while using Revive. Instantly they are brought back to life before they can pass onto the next realm. Waking up Donald is hard as a rock, Heroines nasty toes are wiggly (making The Hobbit hard as well) and Henry looks a little upset.

"FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY DEAD AND BROUGHT BACK, I WAS FINALLY DEAD WHY COULDNT YOU LET ME STAY DEAD, GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL" Henry cries wallows and sobs and wails and all other manner of mopey shit, damn never thought I see someone so sad about not dying. Its pathetic, Henry is utterly pathetic.

"YOOOO thanks teach, we were in a little bit of trouble there." Donald says.

"You three are retards," Gandalf said bluntly, "why did you think you could fight those guys, even after God damn Harry Potter get his taint handed to him, huh, fucking troggies I swear." The Hobbit coming over calms Gandalf down with a hand on his buttcheck.

"Look kids let us grownups handle this, your all not cut out for this line of work yet."

"Fuck you mean shorty, your shorter than Henry and he's a manlet" Donald commentates. 

"Short enough to do this." Bilbo headbutts Donalds nuts sending him back to the floor. "Just dont get yourselves killed again, Gandalf needs to save his magic for better things."

"Thats enough time wasted, lets blow this bitch," Gandalf Gander says and so him and The Hobbit exit the room, leaving Henry Donald and Heroin to contemplate their life choices.


	11. Gollum Escapes

"YOULL NEVER CATCH ME FUCKERS REEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Reeing Gollum shuffles down a corridor of Hog Warts castle as the Terrible Trio are right on his ass, with a snarling Smog breaths fire while Twin Barrel unloads from behind his head. Sadly the duel assault is not enough because Gollum with the power of the Precious Ring just keeps turning invisible, for the gamers out there you can alikened this to "using l33t hax." Creasing his brow Hagrid equips his brella and lobs some magic at the floor turning it into quicksand, suddenly Gollum goes sinking in, no matter how hard he flails and reeees he cant seem to get out, looks like he's stuck. Smirking Smon makes a landing nearby and preparing a biting attack to chomp the little cocklet's head right off. However as was established earlier Gollum is a master escape artist so holding his breathe he stops struggling and swims down into the sand, not long later he emerges on the floor below them completely safe from harm, the ghosts around him applaud his quick thinking.

"Goddamn it he's going to get away!" Twin Barrel spouts angrily, "Smog do something you scaly prick, break the floor with a stomping whomping maneuver!"

"Unfortunately Twinny this floor is made of 100% percent British architecture." Smog stomping and yes it's true the floor does not crack, not even a little, dam brits know how to build a castle, they invented castles after all. "Its no use we'll have to go around and intercept him, but the problem is I dont know the layout of this place so Ill probably get lost and then we would really be fucked, Hagrid help us out here."

Sighing Hagrid shoots a spell underneath Smog's feet turning it into quick sand, immediately they all go sinking and land right next to Gollum who unleashes a reeee in fear. The ghosts around them applaud the quick thinking as Gollum sprints ahead and leaps through a window. The Terrible Trio are fast to give chase breaking through the wall and Smog spreads his wings flying over Gollum's head. He reeeees panickedly as Smog and Twin Barrel and Hagrid are all blasting him with spells and bullets and fire, they're really tearing up the castle grounds which triggers Hagrid's PTSD a little bit but he knows that what theyre doing is just.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET MY PRECIOUS, FUCK OFF TROGGIES" Gollum holds up the ring and unleashes a blast of super magic (like regular magic but more powerful). Smog swerves trying to dodge but the spell has homing properities like a missile, it goes crashing into him and he falls out of the sky landing on Hagrid's hut.

"I didnt know he could do that" Smog comments with a groan, standing up he realizes that a bit of Hagrids chimney went straight up his asshole, no wonder it felt so good. Twin Barrel vomitting (she got airsick) tries to shoot Gollum but she doesnt account for the fact that shes out of ammo, she wasnt out of ammo before it turns out that the super magic (more powerful magic) drained her clips when it hit. Similarly Hagrid's umbrella was destroyed and that makes him miffed, all he can use is the Elder Wand now. So using the Elder Wand Hagrid launches his own super magic at Gollum but Gollum just goes invisible, you know for someone who looks like the personifyicanton of a dehydrated vagina hes pretty tenashous.

"SEE YOU LATER DICKLETS, IM FUCKING FREE, FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!" With a triumphant ree Gollum speeds into the Forbidden Woods and moments later he is unable to be seen. Gollum has escaped with the run.

"Dear me Gandalf, he has absconded!" Looking over the Terrible Trio sees The Hobbit and Gandalf running over, Smog wants to breath fire but itll take a few more spicy chicken wings before he can really do it again. Also Twin Barrel is still out of bullets and Hagrids hand hurts because the Elder wand has splinters, so no one can attack them.

"Nice try you Terrible Troglodytes," Gandalf speaking "but you werent able to catch him. He's quite the tricksy bugger isnt he?"

"This is just a temporary setback Gandalf the Geriatric." Smog stands up as Hagrid and Twin Barrel scowl at him. "He may have escaped for now but we will find him, there are only so many places for starving African children to go." Hopping off Smog's back Hagrid steps over to his Bugati and opens it up.

"Hop in guys, the hunt the continues." Obliging Twin Barrel hops in the passenger seat and Smog climbs in the trunk, moments later the Buggati goes flying off into the distance (it's a magic flying car for reference, like the one in HP 2 but with a better paintjob).

"Fuck they got away," Biblo (Bilbo the Hobbit) says. "Gandalf what are we to do now,"

"Simple dear boy, we ride." Suddenly with a sly smirk Gandalf extends his staff, it's really hard now. The Hobbit jumps on and its really tight on his bum, damn Gandalfs wood is almost too much for him to handle. Gandalf puts his legs over the staff and boom, it turns into a motercycle, which they use to ride into the Forbidden Woods leaving a trail of fire in the wake.

"Damn why dont I have one of those," Donald says, oh yeah the Terrific Trio is there too, they just got there when Gandalf and The Hobbit rode off, but they are there. "Well shite, now how are we gonna go after the Terrible Trio?"

"How about we dont" Henry slides his knifewand into his shirt and starts playing Majong on his chest (Chinese checkers). "The wizerd police are going to be here soon and then well all probably be sent home, then I can finally cut in piece without having to see your ugly fucking faces any more." Dick.

"Cmon Henry stop being an ass," Heroine says, tell him girl. "The answer to this conundrum is actually quite simple, I learned this spell from Prof Mogioni last year and its finally time for it to be useful." Unsheathing her big black wand Heroine swishes and flicks and suddenly Donald starts to feel funny. Just seconds later his body begins to twist and transform, his bones snapping and muscles melting all around, he screams with all his might and it sounds like hes in extreme pain, Henry just cuckles, honestly wouldnt be surprised if he gets executed by firing squad later in the story. Finally Donald is done and it is revealed that he now takes the form of a moped. Heroine hops on her BBB (big black booty) squishing into Donald, suddenly the pain doesnt seem so bad, but then Henry sits on him and the pain returns. "Alright Don, take us away!"

"I am in intense agony."

"Welcome to the fucking club," Henry spats, "now drive bitch, or I'll start cutting you."

Donald doesnt waste anymore time, and together they go driving into the Forbidden Woods.

The three groups have split up, who will be the first to find Gollum? Will they find him at all? Yeah probably.


End file.
